august spotlight on: moving on…

“Femme aux Bras Croisés (Woman with Folded Arms).” Pablo Picasso, 1902.

I am now just coming out of what has been a long, dark season in my life. I have not been very good, in any sense of the word “good.” I need a change, said my brain, but this wasn’t a thought that came to me as a calm, gentle nudge. It overcame me like a tsunami and drew me into a rabbit hole of sadness, heaviness, anxiety.

When these feelings started to arise, my first step was to get to my mat, and quickly. Yoga is supposed to fix us. But my practice eluded me and as I approached it with increasing desperation and intensity, it actually contributed to my frenetic struggle. Thinking my increased, frantic energy needed to be expelled, I increased my running and added lunges and pushups and crunches and other horrible things. Soon I was exercising three hours a day, with such a ferocity that I actually left my workouts angry.

I found myself crying randomly, in bathrooms and in bed. I sought comfort in giant fistfuls of kettlecorn and margaritas, both of which went down with so much desperation I barely tasted anything. I stuffed my depression deep down, like a typical Norwegian, only to then unleash a beast of myself on my poor husband, who felt my perplexing wrath (tears, snappiness, etc.) at odd moments. I consumed hundreds of inspirational quotes from books and Facebook and Google searches, hoping that something would stick and propel me forward. When that didn’t work, my Googling shifted to researching antidepressants and self-help books. I couldn’t stop reading this dismal series of true-life recession stories that only fed my sadness. My lower back developed an achy, crampy pain that lingers still.

I knew that I needed a change, but I didn’t know how or why or what. This led to a frightening mental paralysis: I was immobile, like when your boots get stuck in deep mud, trapped in a swirl of anxiety. I remember feeling this particularly one afternoon, standing at my kitchen sink, as I rinsed a pint of blueberries. I just stared at each berry and started sobbing, and couldn’t stop, couldn’t breathe, couldn’t move.

And then. Nearly three months later, those feelings have all but dissipated, slowly, and in the quieter aftermath, I have only the tiniest bit of perspective, not a revolution. When my cloudy mind started on the slow upswing, I started to take care of myself again. I did a juice fast. I got bangs. I started seeing a specialist to treat my back pain. But these things were not what caused me to stumble towards Happy again. These are the effects of starting to see Happy on the horizon, and moving toward it, toward the light. In other words, the end of this “dark period” was not brought about by anything I did or did not do. My spirit was in a tumultuous transition, and I was just a passenger along for the ride.

This is how most of us change: slowly, fearfully, clumsily, poorly.

So, I’m moving on: I am leaving the yoga world and have accepted a job at a company that I am so excited about. I suspect yoga will always be a part of my life, and believe that the skills I acquired through teaching will serve me well. Teachers of all kinds get to experience a profound, unique skill-set: empathy, gentleness, assertiveness, and a love for her students that transcends all other known types of love. I won’t soon forget how the past four years of teaching in New York have been both a blessing and an incredible journey of discovery.

Friends, I wish I could offer some sort of advice for pulling yourself out of a deep funk. I don’t have any magic, and I certainly tried a lot of different things. I’m someone who has to learn things the hardest way possible. Two things I wish I would’ve done differently (maybe these are the secrets then?); perhaps they’ll work for you:

1. Be nice to yourself.
2. Ask for help.

Here’s to moving on. And to change, and challenge, and to just being along for the ride…xx

SL NOTE: I’ll be continuing to teach in very limited quantities in NYC. Do check my schedule, and my Facebook, for the most updated info.

Advertisements

7 responses to “august spotlight on: moving on…

  1. You are amazing! You write gud, too. We are so lucky….

  2. Oonaja Malagon

    my dear Sara, I too shared your journey into the deep recesses of your soul which for me lasted ten long seemingly endless years…..for me, with time I accepted to be just another part of my life , a valuable teaching, which brought a deeper compassion and caring towards myself and others. so each tear each sob, each day of awakening into darkness was a valuable classroom which somehow I used as a springboard into a greater brighter light. The best advice I give people is to continue living your life, don’t see yourself as a victim of “depression”, rather see yourself as a warrior honing your skills in the laboratory of emotions…. use your experience to uplift others, don’t hold back your tears or your pain but find a way to use it skillfully. I continued my process of transformation through my own practice of yoga, meditation, taiji and qigong and of course “prayer” and consequently sharing my experiences through teaching the evolving healing arts, and being of service in my community. It’s redirecting that energy which goes deep inside into one’s very soul for the benefit of all that is of life.
    ANd after 10 years of deep depression, one day I awakened and the “cloud” disappeared. Now I am grateful for the experience of that classroom as I am a much better, kinder and compassionate human being love because of it.it. warm hugs, Oonaja Malagon

  3. Sara, we wish you all the best as you move on to this new phase of your life. Learning yoga from you was a transformative event for both Steffen and me. Neither of us were ‘yoga people’ until we went to Yoga High and your classes set us in good stead (and the bar high).
    Here’s to your continued upswing (and your bangs!).
    love, Justine, Steffen and Teddy x

  4. Best of luck on your new journey! You are an amazing woman and thank you for the past few years, yoga, and friendship. xoxo Alli 🙂

  5. Just posted my blog which may correlate a hope word for you!

  6. Pingback: meatless monday: summer lettuce wrap | here | there | everywhere.

  7. Pingback: Alone on a dark journey search for the light of help « Daily Life and My Avoidance

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out / Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out / Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out / Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out / Change )

Connecting to %s